Ok so here’s the thing, you guys know I love to be real and honest on the internet because I just feel like it’s lacking these days. Usually when I feel like I need to write about something, it’s because I’m feeling alone or negative about something that is totally normal, but most girls aren’t talking about it. So because we don’t talk about it, we feel like we are the only one who ever feels that way, thinks that thought, struggles with that one thing. And I just want to be the girlfriend on the internet who says ‘hey, this is what happened to me so you’re not alone.” Like if that could be my one mantra on my social media presence, I would feel satisfied.
So that being said, pregnancy for me has been more difficult that I honestly thought it would be. I thought I would be going about my normal life, crushing goals, being the best wife ever, and also creating a human in my stomach. WELP, we can just say that’s not been happening. Being sick for 4 straight months is no joke. I’ve puked on the side of a highway, I’ve puked on the side of my car via an open door, I’ve laughed too hard at Clint’s joked and puked, the list goes on. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but my nausea tolerance is like an all time low. It’s been getting better the last week finally and I’m starting to feel like myself again (thank God).
But recently I had a hormonal break down one night while looking at myself in the mirror post-shower. Luckily, I grew up with a mom who was very good at building up my body image and I honestly never struggled with picking myself a part growing up, even in high school or college. But now, all of the sudden, I realized I am feeling weird about my body. 3 Months without working out, a human growing inside of you, not being able to really control what I eat when I eat it = gaining some pounds + a baby bump. And like honestly you know when you get pregnant that your stomach is going to get bigger, but for some reason, I just felt so much more out of shape and marshmallowy than I ever had in my life. I started to look at myself and think “ah crap, here it goes, all down hill from here”. I felt like my body was on a run away train without my consent and I just kept getting bigger all over.
Now, I know SO many of you are going to respond and say “you should love you pregnancy body, you’re creating a life!” or “embrace this season girl!” or “give yourself a break, you are doing a hard job every day of growing a human!” And honestly, none of those are going to help– just keeping it REAL. I think the problem is, so many women make it seem like it’s not hard to lose the body you’ve been use to for 27 years. Because it’s not ALL bump (I mean on some instagram models it is, but that alone has made me cry). There’s so many changes your body is going through: weight gain, stretch marks, your nipples get weird, your skin breaks out BAD, you get weird veins in places you didn’t know you could get veins, the list goes on. It’s just a lot to take in at once.
So, yes, I did go through this low feeling a few weeks ago. And I just wanted to share it because I think it needs to be shared– that we can all feel this way, that it’s ok to feel this way and it doesn’t mean you’re not happy to be pregnant or love your baby. Because in the last two weeks, I’ve gotten to go back to my normal workout routine and I haven’t been eating fast food (which is like literally heaven after 3 months of torture) and I feel great again. I have muscle tone back in my legs and I’ve got healthy food in my tumtum and it makes all the difference for how I see myself in the mirror. I know I need grace for myself in this season, and I’m working on it, but I just wanted to be real and honest and share my rollercoaster of emotions. I am by no means sharing this so that anyone feels like they have to say “no you look great!” because honestly no compliments from anyone will ever do the job of loving yourself and your own body (but it does make me feel better haha). It’s just a process that I’m sure we ALL go through at one point (or many points) in our lives.
So you’re not alone sister, pregnancy can be difficult and great and confusing and painful and sad and happy all at the same time. There’s no rules for this stuff. But I really love having you guys to share it with!